Licence to Thrill

It's been six days since 'The Special One' had his 'special' backside booted out of Chelsea and was replaced by a bloke who wears the permanent look of someone who's just missed his train.

No-one expected Avram Grant to get a result at Old Trafford, and he didn't let anyone down. Having had just two days to prepare his team for the match, and one of those he took off because of Yom Kippur, Grant was on a hiding to nothing going to Manchester. In the event, United didn't really have to play that well to see off a side who were already demoralised even before Mike Dean made things worse with his harsh sending off of John Obi Mikel. Or Mikel John Obi or whatever he calls himself. John will do.

United are now looking to stick the boot further in by complaining to the FA over Grant's lack of the coveted 'UEFA Pro Licence,' a document so sacred that every manager in the Premier League requires one.

Now call me stupid, many do, but surely United are going about this the wrong way. If Grant isn't allowed to manage Chelsea, then they'll get someone better won't they? Marco Van Basten, Jurgen Klinsmann and Guus Hiddink have been mentioned.

How typical of United that they feel the need to complain about something that has nothing to do with them. They weren't happy when Glenn Roeder took over at Newcastle and Gareth Southgate at Middlesbrough under similar circumstances either.

Now, Grant excepted, which one of the other nineteen Premier League managers do you think doesn't have the Pro Licence? That's right, United's own Sir Alex Ferguson, who is exempt from needing it because he was already managing at Old Trafford when it was introduced. He's been there so long, that rumour has it United are also exempt from backpasses, the new offside law and goalkeepers wearing gloves too.

But apparently Sir Fergie is a big supporter of making others do it, and as such is loudly proclaiming that Grant be ordered off to a cheap pub with the other Freshers in preparation for his course.

What will he learn there? Luckily I've been given a copy of the timetable for his first day:

9:00 - TRANSFERS - Lecturer: Mr R. Abramovich

Students will be taught which players they are supposed to sign by this wealthy Russian guest lecturer with many years' experience in throwing money at people. In particular they will be taught how important it is to sign over-the-hill Ukrainians for five times what they are worth, and that no matter what you think about a player, your oil tycoon boss who's only been watching football for four years will know better.

11:00 - DEALING WITH THE MEDIA - Lecturer: Sir A. Ferguson

This vastly experienced lecturer received a knighthood for his services to fortunate last minute goals eight years ago, and has many, many, many years' experience in dealing with the media. He will teach you how to ban journalists from press conferences for even questioning the colour of your tie, how to refuse to answer questions from the country's main television channel and how to accuse said channel of bias towards your main rivals because they once decided to read out their score ahead of yours on the 10 o'clock news one night.

13:00 - IMAGE AND EGO - Lecturer: Mr. J. 'Special One' Mourinho

Students will be taught how important their self-image is by a master of self-promotion. They will be instructed just how the right amount of make-up and pouting can distract attention away from the latest boring, robotic 1-0 win that left fans demanding their £60 back. They will learn how splashing their faces across billboards, magazines and adverts for credit cards is more important than humility and that latest semi-final defeat to that Spanish bloke who always outwits you despite his lack of a Prada wallet, a pretentious nickname and his failure to check if the cameras are on him every five seconds.

15:00 - HOW TO MAKE CHELSEA THE BIGGEST CLUB IN THE WORLD - Lecturers: Mr. R. Abramovich, Mr. P. Kenyon & Mr. B. Buck

Module no longer exists because no-one believes in it.

The Ego has crash landed

So, come on then, who saw that coming? Imagine my bleary eyed surprise this morning when I switched on the TV to find out that Jose Mourinho was no longer manager of Chelsea. As shocks go it was up there with Keegan quitting Newcastle, Fowler returning to Liverpool and Dirty Den dying in Eastenders, then coming back to life, then dying again.

Sadly for Chelsea fans, there is little chance of Jose coming back from the dead to take the reins again at Stamford Bridge (unless this is some brilliant PR exercise) and I suppose the question has to be asked, why has he gone? With six trophies in three years and an astonishing record of never having lost a home league game under his belt, just what did he do wrong?

When Roman Abramovich took over at Chelsea in 2003, the question all football fans asked was: 'what happens when he loses interest?' Surely he would leave at some point, leaving debts of hundreds of millions at the door. Chelsea followers' response, and a perfectly valid one at that, was simply: 'well what if he never loses interest?'

This move shows that Abramovich still sees Chelsea as his plaything. He hasn't lost interest. But for possibly the first time since the Russian parked his helicopter on top of the Shed End, Chelsea fans are faced with a question: Is he good for the club?

Sure Chelsea weren't pretty to watch at times under Mourinho, but they cantered to the league title twice in his first two years. The Portuguese was perfect for the new Chelsea. Brash, loud, arrogant, and he knew it. He positively encouraged an ongoing battle with Liverpool's Rafa Benitez, the other high profile foreign manager to arrive in England at the same time as him. As a result relations between the two clubs cooled to the point of freezing, and after the nation tired of the petulant, pizza-throwing battles between Manchester United and Arsenal, English football's new major rivalry was born.

How annoying for Mourinho then that come the really big clashes between the pair, in the FA Cup and more specifically the Champions League, Benitez would always find a way to come out on top. The Spaniard is unlikely to shed a tear at today's news.

Neither are many other Premier League bosses, but while Mourinho upset fans of virtually every single club he faced during his time in England, he was loved at Stamford Bridge, and Abramovich now faces a revolt.

Mourinho's name will be sung by Chelsea's fans at Old Trafford on Sunday, if United continue their indifferent form it'll be the only thing you can hear. Yes his teams didn't play exciting football, but Chelsea fans didn't care (have you ever tried talking to them about football?) and the vast majority are deeply upset he's gone.

Abramovich has taken a masssive gamble here. He wants his team to play 'exciting football' (don't we all?) but that doesn't always mean trophies. The Russian is like a child who has seen a shiny new toy and wants it. Manchester United won the league last year playing attacking football, Arsenal and Liverpool have shown similar styles this year. Sitting in a half empty Stamford Bridge watching his team stutter to a draw against Norwegian whipping boys wasn't on his agenda when he bought the club.

And so Jose bit the bullet. There are better managers (Ferguson, Wenger and Benitez are far better tacticians) but we are unlikely to see one like him again. The Special One has ridden off into the night, leaving a trail of trophies behind him.

Your move Roman. And it had better be a good one.

Big Sam, Big Mouth, Big Head

'They're not a Premier League winning side. They don't have the mentality to win that.'

The words of Sam Allardyce. Who's he speaking about? Any team that he's ever managed? He could be, but no, Allardyce is talking about Liverpool, and goes on to say that:

'Rafa Benitez would be very lucky to be in a job if he hadn't got to two Champions League Finals, because they've had some very, very poor finishes in the Premier League.'

So basically, this manager is lucky to still be working because he's only guided his team to two finals of the biggest competition in the world in the past three years. He's lucky to have masterminded an astonishing victory in 2005 with players of the calibre of Antonio Nunez, Josemi, Igor Biscan and Anthony Le Tallec to work with. He's lucky to have won the FA Cup, qualified for the Champions League every year and started this season with a swagger and style that has the look of champions about it. Oh, and those 'very, very poor' finishes? Fifth, third and third. Not great, but better than 'Big Sam' has ever done.

In Allardyce's world, Rafa Benitez shouldn't be managing Liverpool. He probably thinks he should be.

Because that is what this latest attack is about. Jealousy. Allardyce thinks he deserves a crack at a top four club because he shouts a lot and got Bolton up the league ladder by using that revolutionary tactic of kicking people and elbowing them in the head.

He thought he should have been England manager too, and despite getting all of his mates in the media to basically try and pimp him out to the FA for the best part of six months, they still preferred a quieter bloke who won't win them anything, but will probably save them money on pies in the long run.

He is now at Newcastle, possibly the only club in the world who consider themselves great just because they have a big ground. Their fans have nothing to sing about other than themselves, every song has the word Geordie in it, and they've been getting away with their own self-satisfied smugness for a while now. The perfect job for him then.

This attack of course is in response to Liverpool's goalless draw at Portsmouth, a result that saw Rafa's boys go from title certainties to no-hopers. Benitez changed his team and didn't win, so obviously he's hopeless isn't he? The result was just another excuse for rent-a-quotes like Allardyce like stick the boot in.

Compare Allardyce and Benitez and you see just why clubs prefer foreign managers. Big Sam can go on complaining about everything and claiming he could do a better job for as long as he wants. Rafa will just stick to the trickier business of winning trophies.

England Expects. (A bit too much)

Is it any wonder that the stereotype about footballers being thick still exists? Every time you hear one of them being interviewed about the possible pressures they are under they always seem to say 'oh it doesn't bother me because I don't read the papers.' The rumours are that if England win Euro 2008 next summer John Terry and his team are looking forward to shaking Prime Minister Tony Blair's hand before heading off to a lavish reception with Princess Diana.

But perhaps where England are concerned the players are right not to take too much notice of the media circus around them. Today's newspaper informs me that the 'countdown to the crunch Euro qualifier' has now reached three days. Really? Wednesday is three days away from Saturday? Well thanks for clearing that up. Countdowns might be common in space launches or Channel 4's afternoon scheduling but to a home qualifier against a nation who have qualified for precisely one World Cup in their history? Give me a break.

The countdown sums up the amazing hype and expectation placed upon this England team. Everything is sensationalized. An injury to Wayne Rooney and suspension for Peter Crouch constitutes a 'striking crisis,' conveniently ignoring the dozen or so top class strikers Steve McClaren has left to choose from. The one he seems to have plumped for is Emile Heskey, how convenient, here's someone else the 'fans' can boo instead of you, Steve.

This hype of course reaches fever pitch once every two years. You know it's coming, you've seen those white flags with a red cross sticking out from the back of your neighbour's car, draped outside your local and heaven forbid, even painted on the faces of excited pre-teens. Oh god, England are in a major championships.

But no, England aren't just in the tournament, they are going to win it. It's not even up for debate. 'The Boys of 66' (who've been woken from their two year slumber) are inspiring them to do it, dear old Sir Alf is willing them on from up above and inevitably, they have 'the best squad in the competition.'

I'm not being anti-English, far from it, I'm just looking at it from the outside in, the people I'm getting at here are those who utter the dreaded phrase 'I don't really support a club, but I always watch England when they're on.' Has there ever been a more annoying statement uttered? It's right up there with 'and this is the new James Blunt song.'

A sense of perspective is needed. It appears as though England's only chance of winning this weekend lies in the toe of a drugged-up Steven Gerrard (and they used to say Liverpool were a one man team). Israel's players will hardly be shaking in their boots, but England's might.

Guus Hiddink might have been onto something when he said that England's players were 'scared to win'. It's more complicated than that, but he has a point. There is always a villain with England, it's never simply that their opponents were better than them. The players performances are dissected touch by touch. Flawless league form will be overlooked in favour of half an hour in a friendly in your wrong position (the main reason Jamie Carragher decided that he'd had enough).

England will win on Saturday, I'll even stick my neck out and say they'll labour to a 2-0 success (hopefully with two goals from Heskey, that'll show them) but that probably won't be good enough. Be prepared to read overanalysis of the performance in the Sunday papers. Of course by then it'll only be four days to the Russia game...

Johnny Foreigner

Chelsea and Manchester United fans, you know those two players who electrified last season for you, Didier Drogba and Cristiano Ronaldo? Yeah, well it's their fault that England are rubbish. Arsenal supporters, you shouldn't be cheering on Cesc Fabregas because just by being here he's harming your country. And any Liverpool fan bearing the name 'Torres' on the back of your shirt, hang your head in shame. Because apparently it's Johnny Foreigner's fault that Steve McClaren's men are languishing mid-table in their Euro 2008 group.

I mean honestly, are we supposed to believe this rubbish? England's problems are all of their own doing, and no amount of blaming and pointing at the Premier League's foreign legion can change that. How about instead of looking at the foreign players, you look at who you have got to choose from, namely players from three of the top clubs in the world in Chelsea, Manchester United and Liverpool and top performers from a dozen or so clubs in a rapidly improving Premier League.

Why should top flight managers care about the England team? Only eight out of the 20 are English. Should Rafa Benitez ditch Pepe Reina, Xabi Alonso and Fernando Torres in favour of Chris Kirkland, Danny Murphy and Emile Heskey? No, because the Spanish trio are much better players.

Offer any English supporter of a Big Four club the choice between their club winning the Champions League or their country winning the World Cup and 99 times out of a 100 they'll choose the former. Fans of Liverpool and Manchester United will laugh at you for even posing the question.

Because that is the cold hard fact. The Premiership doesn't care about England. The national team's supporters are mainly made up of fans of lower league clubs. Sure when the big tournaments come around the hype will begin, you'll be given the illusion that the whole country is cheering on the 'Three Lions' (those of us in Wales aren't by the way) but fans of the big clubs couldn't really care less.

Until England realise that the problems lie with their poor management and not the Spanish, African and Portuguese influence in the top league, then their problems will continue. How do they sort it out? That's for another day...