Rumour has it...

Don't tell anyone, but I've heard an interesting bit of transfer news.

My second cousin twice removed is currently fixing the washing machine of a bloke who used to know the ex-boyfriend of the woman who used to walk Elton John's dogs twice a week. She once babysat for the ex-wife of a former Watford director (bitter paternity battle, he didn't want to go into details) who plays golf once a month with Aidy Boothroyd's father-in-law's father-in-law, who told him that Boothroyd is on the verge of persuading John Barnes to come out of retirement to lead the Hornets' Championship challenge next season. Apparently Boothroyd sees Barnes, 43, as the ideal option for his left wing problems, and is confident of luring the ex-Liverpool and England star back to Vicarage Road.

This, of course, is complete rubbish, but it's probably just as truthful as many of the transfer rumours we read every day.

Yes, silly season is upon us. A time when the world's best footballers are spotted entering training grounds, given tours of stadiums and having medicals all across the country. In this past week it has been reported by certain 'insiders' (i.e. people who know absolutely nothing but like to think they do) that Spanish international striker Fernando Torres had touched down at Manchester Airport, that his agent was at Liverpool's Melwood training ground and that Rafa Benitez and Rick Parry were in Madrid concluding a deal for the player. Now, correct me if I'm wrong fellas, but don't you all need to be in the same place at the same time to sort this mess out? Ever thought of phoning ahead?

It appears that in the summer months, especially those without major tournaments in, there are spies at every international airport across Europe, scanning the terminals for anyone who might look remotely like that £6m French midfielder that Harry Redknapp's got his eye on.

On the face of it, at least the Torres to Liverpool rumour appears to have some truth in it, as it has been widely reported in the national press (although the fact that he's Spanish and that Liverpool are desperately seeking a striker means it doesn't require too much imagination to dream up). As for some of the other rumours we read, where do they come from?

The growth of football websites has led to more and more people preaching their views on the game than ever before (you wouldn't catch me doing that!) and virtually everyone has some crackpot transfer theory they've dreamed up.

Most of these people (me aside obviously) just want to pretend they know what's really going on at the sharp end of football. Hell I do, but I'm not going to pretend I'm best mates with Arsene Wenger's driver or I know the bloke who cleans David Gill's windows.

Do you know any football club directors? I'm beginning to think that I'm the only one who doesn't. I'm thinking about maybe getting a job on one of Roman Abramovich's yachts (he might need a toilet attendant on the fifth floor) to see what I can find out. Of course I'll report back to you first, but for now I've got to go. I've just heard that Diego Maradona has touched down at Newcastle Airport in a black and white shirt saying 'I can't wait to work with Sam Allardyce...'